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Mar. 10th, 2021 02:58 pmEventually he has no choice but to go.
Obi-Wan has been considering taking himself into the woods once the weather grows warmer, finding a place where he can camp for a few days, and spend as much of his time as possible meditating. While he meditates daily, finding peace in the act, there is much he hasn't allowed himself to explore while in these meditative states, much he's been choosing to avoid, which is as much a mistake as allowing the emotions surrounding these things to overwhelm him.
With everything Anakin now knows, he can avoid it no longer.
He takes very little with him, only his robe, warm and comfortable clothing, his lightsaber, some water. Everything else, including his telephone is left behind in his apartment. Before he leaves, early in the morning, he stops to see Klaus, letting him know what he's doing, where he'll be, and when he'll be back. He considers stopping to see Anakin, too, but in the end settles for leaving a note in his mailbox, a quick explanation just so he doesn't worry.
If he worries at all.
The chances of finding himself a place where no other people ever come is small, but Obi-Wan goes as deep into the woods as possible. The space he selects isn't a clearing at all, merely an indentation in the ground between a set of rather large boulders and the enormous trunk of a very old tree. He places his palm on the tree's bark before he settles in and closes his eyes, feeling the Force flowing through it, feeling just how old it truly is.
Then he sinks into the space between them, settling into the dry, dead leaves, crosses his legs and closes his eyes.
For the first time in a long time, he doesn't reach out for Qui-Gon. He doesn't reach out to anyone. Instead, he lets the events of the last months before arriving in Darrow play out, experiencing them as if for the first time in ways he hasn't allowed himself until now.
Behind his closed eyelids, despite his steady breathing and even steadier heart beat, he watches the horror of everything he's lost. He watches Maul use the Force to drag Satine to her death upon the darksaber. He sees the blank expression on Cody's face when he turns to find his Commander has taken a shot at him. He feels the loss of life, so many Jedi extinguished in the same few moments. The hologram of the younglings being killed, the knowledge of which he will have to release if he's to properly move on from these moments. The fight with Anakin that had stirred such rage in him, such despair. He relives all these moments one by one, examining them, holding them close, appraising and understanding the feelings they cause to rise within him, and then he does his best to let them go.
Nothing he does will undo the losses suffered. He cannot bring Satine back. Nor can he stop Order 66. The Jedi are gone. The Jedi Order exists no more. All that remains of it, at least for now, is here in Darrow and Obi-Wan has begun to believe the Order may have no place here. There is always room to learn and to grow. He will continue to offer that to Anakin and Ben and Rey if it's something they want, as well as seek it himself, but he is no longer Master and Anakin is no longer his Padawan. They're brothers. Friends.
Obi-Wan opens his eyes. Night has fallen and the moon is high. He doesn't feel tired, but still he relaxes his posture and closes his eyes once more, not to meditate this time, but to sleep, if only for a few hours.
When he wakes the sun is still below the horizon. He drinks some water, stands to stretch his legs, walking a short distance away from the place he's settled, then returning when he feels content. He sits again, the leaves crackling beneath his legs, places his hands on his knees and inhales, exhales, and closes his eyes.
This time, he seeks guidance.
I feel as if I've been dishonest, Qui-Gon. And you'll forgive me, I hope, if I no longer address you as Master. Anakin and I have agreed upon trying something new and while I still respect you and all you've taught me, I agree with him that to do away with these titles may be one of our best chances at taking a few steps forward.
Another slow breath in and out.
As a youngling, I wasn't sure I wanted to be a Jedi Master. The Order often felt restrictive to me, rules meant to be followed without question, and I was never comfortable with that. If we were not meant to question, why do we have free will? If the choice to follow the light is a choice we're meant to make with every decision, why can't we explore what the rules of the Jedi Order mean to us as individuals?
I loved Satine. I'm sure you knew. I would have left the Order for her and I'm sure you knew that as well. In that, I'm truly no different from Anakin, but it was Anakin we failed. Because these rules were so ironclad and no one thought to seek a better understanding of them. We only told him no, told him it was wrong, but where in the rules of the Order does it say this?
Obi-Wan's chest expands with another breath. His shoulders rise, then fall.
And now there is someone else. You would like him, Qui-Gon, he's somewhat rebellious, as were you. I can easily imagine you trading barbs, ones that may sting were they from someone else, but somehow still light hearted between the two of you. I understand that I steered Anakin wrong. I should not have tried to tell him his feelings for Padmé were inappropriate, but instead I should have helped him understand the difference between love, real love, and wanting to possess someone. I believe he loves her deeply and I believe here, outside of the constraints of the Order, he can become the man he was truly meant to be.
I feel as if I ought to have some guilt associated with my life as it's unfolded in Darrow. I don't. I do not regret having met Klaus. I do not regret guiding Anakin toward his relationship with Padmé, advising him to approach their marriage with fresh eyes, eyes that are not shaded by the rules of the Order. How can the Jedi be expected to continue to exist if we refuse to evolve, Qui-Gon?
Stars, I wish you were here so I could ask you these questions face to face.
He breathes deep, then exhales.
This is a new world. We must learn to be new within it.
The sun is high, indicating it's past noon, and for a moment Obi-Wan remains where he sits. He considers what he's said to Qui-Gon, even if he can no longer be heard, and knows he meant every word of it. Taking a drink from his water, he then stands again, goes for another walk, and considers whether he needs to stay here alone for very much longer. There is only so much he can meditate upon when there are no real answers to be found outside of simply living their lives.
He walks for longer than he means, this in itself another form of meditation, but then he returns to his little indentation in the earth as the sun sets and settles once more. The desire to meditate has left, at least for the time being, and Obi-Wan has spent two full days out here alone. He feels no closer to understanding where they must all go from here, but seeing the future was never the point.
What he does feel is acceptance. A sense of contentment. His motivations are rooted in good and while he and Anakin may no longer be Master and Padawan, there is still room for him to guide Anakin. And room for Anakin to guide him. They will learn together. All of them, this little family they've built up around themselves, both Force sensitive and not, from across all manners of universe.
For now, this is the life that matters. Their men are gone. The Jedi are gone. There is only forward, into the light. Into a new adventure.
Obi-Wan has been considering taking himself into the woods once the weather grows warmer, finding a place where he can camp for a few days, and spend as much of his time as possible meditating. While he meditates daily, finding peace in the act, there is much he hasn't allowed himself to explore while in these meditative states, much he's been choosing to avoid, which is as much a mistake as allowing the emotions surrounding these things to overwhelm him.
With everything Anakin now knows, he can avoid it no longer.
He takes very little with him, only his robe, warm and comfortable clothing, his lightsaber, some water. Everything else, including his telephone is left behind in his apartment. Before he leaves, early in the morning, he stops to see Klaus, letting him know what he's doing, where he'll be, and when he'll be back. He considers stopping to see Anakin, too, but in the end settles for leaving a note in his mailbox, a quick explanation just so he doesn't worry.
If he worries at all.
The chances of finding himself a place where no other people ever come is small, but Obi-Wan goes as deep into the woods as possible. The space he selects isn't a clearing at all, merely an indentation in the ground between a set of rather large boulders and the enormous trunk of a very old tree. He places his palm on the tree's bark before he settles in and closes his eyes, feeling the Force flowing through it, feeling just how old it truly is.
Then he sinks into the space between them, settling into the dry, dead leaves, crosses his legs and closes his eyes.
For the first time in a long time, he doesn't reach out for Qui-Gon. He doesn't reach out to anyone. Instead, he lets the events of the last months before arriving in Darrow play out, experiencing them as if for the first time in ways he hasn't allowed himself until now.
Behind his closed eyelids, despite his steady breathing and even steadier heart beat, he watches the horror of everything he's lost. He watches Maul use the Force to drag Satine to her death upon the darksaber. He sees the blank expression on Cody's face when he turns to find his Commander has taken a shot at him. He feels the loss of life, so many Jedi extinguished in the same few moments. The hologram of the younglings being killed, the knowledge of which he will have to release if he's to properly move on from these moments. The fight with Anakin that had stirred such rage in him, such despair. He relives all these moments one by one, examining them, holding them close, appraising and understanding the feelings they cause to rise within him, and then he does his best to let them go.
Nothing he does will undo the losses suffered. He cannot bring Satine back. Nor can he stop Order 66. The Jedi are gone. The Jedi Order exists no more. All that remains of it, at least for now, is here in Darrow and Obi-Wan has begun to believe the Order may have no place here. There is always room to learn and to grow. He will continue to offer that to Anakin and Ben and Rey if it's something they want, as well as seek it himself, but he is no longer Master and Anakin is no longer his Padawan. They're brothers. Friends.
Obi-Wan opens his eyes. Night has fallen and the moon is high. He doesn't feel tired, but still he relaxes his posture and closes his eyes once more, not to meditate this time, but to sleep, if only for a few hours.
When he wakes the sun is still below the horizon. He drinks some water, stands to stretch his legs, walking a short distance away from the place he's settled, then returning when he feels content. He sits again, the leaves crackling beneath his legs, places his hands on his knees and inhales, exhales, and closes his eyes.
This time, he seeks guidance.
I feel as if I've been dishonest, Qui-Gon. And you'll forgive me, I hope, if I no longer address you as Master. Anakin and I have agreed upon trying something new and while I still respect you and all you've taught me, I agree with him that to do away with these titles may be one of our best chances at taking a few steps forward.
Another slow breath in and out.
As a youngling, I wasn't sure I wanted to be a Jedi Master. The Order often felt restrictive to me, rules meant to be followed without question, and I was never comfortable with that. If we were not meant to question, why do we have free will? If the choice to follow the light is a choice we're meant to make with every decision, why can't we explore what the rules of the Jedi Order mean to us as individuals?
I loved Satine. I'm sure you knew. I would have left the Order for her and I'm sure you knew that as well. In that, I'm truly no different from Anakin, but it was Anakin we failed. Because these rules were so ironclad and no one thought to seek a better understanding of them. We only told him no, told him it was wrong, but where in the rules of the Order does it say this?
Obi-Wan's chest expands with another breath. His shoulders rise, then fall.
And now there is someone else. You would like him, Qui-Gon, he's somewhat rebellious, as were you. I can easily imagine you trading barbs, ones that may sting were they from someone else, but somehow still light hearted between the two of you. I understand that I steered Anakin wrong. I should not have tried to tell him his feelings for Padmé were inappropriate, but instead I should have helped him understand the difference between love, real love, and wanting to possess someone. I believe he loves her deeply and I believe here, outside of the constraints of the Order, he can become the man he was truly meant to be.
I feel as if I ought to have some guilt associated with my life as it's unfolded in Darrow. I don't. I do not regret having met Klaus. I do not regret guiding Anakin toward his relationship with Padmé, advising him to approach their marriage with fresh eyes, eyes that are not shaded by the rules of the Order. How can the Jedi be expected to continue to exist if we refuse to evolve, Qui-Gon?
Stars, I wish you were here so I could ask you these questions face to face.
He breathes deep, then exhales.
This is a new world. We must learn to be new within it.
The sun is high, indicating it's past noon, and for a moment Obi-Wan remains where he sits. He considers what he's said to Qui-Gon, even if he can no longer be heard, and knows he meant every word of it. Taking a drink from his water, he then stands again, goes for another walk, and considers whether he needs to stay here alone for very much longer. There is only so much he can meditate upon when there are no real answers to be found outside of simply living their lives.
He walks for longer than he means, this in itself another form of meditation, but then he returns to his little indentation in the earth as the sun sets and settles once more. The desire to meditate has left, at least for the time being, and Obi-Wan has spent two full days out here alone. He feels no closer to understanding where they must all go from here, but seeing the future was never the point.
What he does feel is acceptance. A sense of contentment. His motivations are rooted in good and while he and Anakin may no longer be Master and Padawan, there is still room for him to guide Anakin. And room for Anakin to guide him. They will learn together. All of them, this little family they've built up around themselves, both Force sensitive and not, from across all manners of universe.
For now, this is the life that matters. Their men are gone. The Jedi are gone. There is only forward, into the light. Into a new adventure.
